Yemen's Political Fruit Basket

I get asked a lot about impressions of various parties in current conflict. So here's a sarcastic take. List not exhaustive, so chill with the "Aha! You missed so and so". Enjoy!

Houthis: We be sent by God to fight the Zionists disguised as Americans, Saudis, alQaeda, yeah, basically everyone who's not us..you no question, you just believe, you disagree, I kill you too.

Saleh: I know it all, control it all, boss of all, so smart, so supreme, so fly, all credits to me. Negative points? Hater's rubbish. Factual negative points! Well duh..it wasn't me.

Resistance (South): We don't necessarily know what we want, but we sure damn know what we don't, wait, we're a bit divided on that too..screw it, viva PDRY, viva secession.

Resistance (North): To be or not to be, is an existential question..ninja mode.

AQAP: Houthis are heretics, WE were sent by God..god damn it Islamic State, not now.

Islamic State: Move aside AQAP, you've had your chance, watch and learn how it's done..lit that fuse brother, let's blow it sky high.

Islah Party (Opposition): We used to be the main partner of regime, then the regime, all was going well and peachy, da bloody hell happened!?..it's all Saleh's fault.

Saudi Arabia: Hey Iran, think you can move in south of our borders and hijack our unkempt backyard, think again..watch us soak in gas and burn to a cinder, haha.

Saudi led Coalition: Dearest dear Iran, you know Saudi forced us into this, right? Hope it doesn't affect our bilateral relations, we be cool, right?..crap, here comes Saudi, bad Iran, bad.

Iran: Dafuq Saudi!? Hello, we're up here, NORTH of your border!

Int'l Community: Hi there Saudi, would you like some gas?

UN: Alright, everyone calm down, give a sec while I consult with the voices in my head.

Pro Government in Exile Forces: Government loyalists, Hadi loyalists, national army..unicorns.

Hadi: Why isn't anyone listening to me..I AM THE LEGITIMATE PRESIDENT!

Why Important to Know Difference between AQAP & IS

AlQaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP), is NOT ISIS. 

In fact, the name ISIS/ISIL (Daesh) is no more. The organization has rebranded and now known as the Islamic State (IS). So a single "I" and a single "S".

Yeah, IS not as catchy or melodic as ISIS. Deal with it. And please stop referring to anything Islam+radical, including alQaeda or suspicious crazy beards with funny phonetics, as ISIS.

Okay, here's the 101 on AQAP and ISIS, er, I mean IS (see what you've done!), and why it's of paramount importance to know difference. Will make this as simple and quick as possible so switch off Fox News and pay attention now.

AQAP is the flagship of the original alQaeda (AQ) and far older than IS. AQAP is  synonym with Taliban, Bin Laden, September 11, and Buckaroo Bush "Yeehaw! Let's hunt Buffalo in Tora Bora (Afghanistan) & Baghdad (Iraq)" at turn of this millennia. 

IS on the other hand popped on stage in 2014. IS is actually AQ's rowdy bunch in Iraq, alQaeda in Iraq (AQI), recently tripped into path of gamma rays (i.e. Iraq mess gone supernova) then basically went "Hulk, SMASH!" on everything including their AQ club membership.  

Not really. AQI more or less capitalized on growth in numbers, lucky streak/battle wins in Iraq and seized moment to declare own brand of 'God's Kingdom'. Turmoil in AQ HQ and ambitious AQI leadership may or may have not have contributed to mutiny and creation of IS. Not important. This crazy part is though a) they actually succeeded in carving out rapidly growing niche, and by niche I mean a friggin country (Iraq), and now exceedingly outnumber AQ b) met with the insane on steroids, quite a few now lamenting the good old days of AQ!

Anyway, AQAP and IS are now rival groups. Not enemies, but not friends or in cahoots either. They are adversaries competing for the leadership of the jihadist movement. No blood spilled between the two groups despite no lost love and both being armed to teeth and borderline psychotic. 

A commendable level of self control & classiness if you ask me. Not sure if would last for long though. This convoluted 'Pirates Code' of sorts is far from being an actual attempt at brinksmanship.

At any rate, it's understandable that the difference between AQAP and IS may not matter much to you. For all you care, they're a bunch of 'crazy beard' growing, phonetically challenged, AK47 wielding religious radicals marooned on some desolate island called Arabia. Miles and miles away from you. Thank god for immigration laws.

It does matter to me though. You see, Mr. Crazy Beard lives next door. 

And while both AQAP & IS are dangerous, identifying which is very important when chances of your survival are inversely proportional to craziness of beard. This is especially so when getting out of Dodge is not an option and your lovely neighbor not going anywhere anytime soon.

Hence the handy 'Dangero-O-Meter' (DOOM) to gauge how bad. Scale is from 1-6 where 1- 'Keep low profile & may live' and 6- 'Quick, final prayers while you still can'.

AQAP is a 3-ish on Doom scale: 

"Live by our way or hit highway"

AQ-Beard - Will change your way of life and govern every aspect of it. May subject to public lashing and even murder if you crossed, antagonized enough, or resisted (futile and frowned upon). Growing bear is optional.

IS is a 6-ish on..oh who the heck are we kidding, Doom is useless here, IS is Infinity-ish on whatever scale they use in Hell: 

"Haha, you grew a beard! Cute but inconvenient. We need your head to be as round as possible. Now have to burn beard off your face before we behead anyway."

IS-Beard - Will chop off head and play soccer with just because 

a) Apparently Mega IS-Beard decided MOST of folks born beardless and ALL still beardless as adults should be promptly put to the sword.

b) A guillotine not practical, it's French, foreign, Grrr, IS-Beard SMASH! 

c) Soccer, much fun, need ball, Adidas is foreign, Grrr. 

d) Yaay! Human head. Make sure it's local/native, foreign heads reserved for ransom.

e) Not soccer day? Okay, is it burn alive day? Execution creativity day? Murderous rampage day? Rape & plunder day? What? WHAT? Where's the blood, need NOW!

F) Hey, where's your beard, off with your head too. Growing beard NOT optional.

Yeah, yeah, both AQAP & IS believe in the Quran and follow Islam. So, yeah, Muslims. But so are 1.6 billion others around the globe. Yup, that's how many Muslims all over the place. Check your neighbor. 

Calm down, only an infinitesimal percentage of those are out to get you. Even less with enough drive and means to do so. For now.

Thing is, just like any other religion, certain parts/text are open for interpretation. Hence sects. Hence AQAP and IS. Hence watch your six. Haha. Kidding, KIDDING!

Please put phone down. There are many types of Muslims, the good, the bad, and the ugly. A penguin is not an eagle, despite both being birds. And for god's sake who keeps the FBI on speed dial? Paranoid much!

*Article above was shared via Whatsapp. Published on blog here with permission. Author lives next to Crazy Beard whom has Internet & could very well come across and read. So yeah, 'Author Unknown'.

10 Facts About Yemen That Aren't!

1- The war is only hurting Houthis

- 80% of Yemen population is suffering & in urgent need of humanitarian aid. That's 21 million people whom cannot be possibly Houthi.

2- Houthis only represent 10% of Sa'ada (statistic courtesy of Yemen government in exile), which is but 1 out of 22 Yemen provinces

- Yet 5 months & an "intergalactic" coalition still couldn't crush? That's just embarrassing!

3- Saleh! It's all ex president Saleh's & his supporters doing

- Aha, he controls AQAP, ISIS, Secessionists, and Houthis..heck, heard coalition too.

4- The population split & divided in supporting the various warring factions

- The vast majority neither like nor trust any faction and are being held hostage to the current conflict by everyone.

5- Sectarianism rampant in Yemeni society

- Must've missed class! What's difference between Sunni & Shiite again?

6- Yemen government in exile is legitimate & has many loyalists on ground

- Hello? "In exile"! And still are despite having "liberated" Aden & naming as new capital.

7- President Hadi enjoys popular support of Yemenis

- Wait, what? THAT Hadi is now president!? Oh God why!

8- Yemen, especially South, awash with AQAP & ISIS

- Doubt presence of 10s or 100s of AQAP & ISIS warrants use of "Awash". And when did historically AQ hotbeds like alBayda, Marib, and alJawf provinces became "South"? Thees bern more AQ/IS action in Sana'a (North) than in Aden (South).

9- Yemen awash with Iranian Revolutionary Guard too

- Alright, apparently we have problem with the definition of "Awash". So let's just simplify via assertion of fact that there are more UFOs than Iranians in Yemen.

10- War will bring everlasting peace in Yemen

- Haha. You're an imbecile.

Howdy Ho Hadi - A Chronology of Hadi's Heroism

Hadi was Vice President of Yemen pre 2011 "Youth" uprising.

Howling at top of their voices youth explained/demanded removal of whole "regime"...whole darn regime including "political parties/forces" long partnered/in bed with/and at root of it are essentially part of regime.

How on earth are youth even qualified to advise let alone dictate how things should be. How dare they!

Hold on, their movement has strong momentum. Quick, hijack their uprising & pretend to heed their call.

Howdy, we are the Gulf Cooperation Council (GCC), this shall not pass.

Hash out the menacing youth warning against half way compromise solutions to maintain regime..haha..inevitable impending doom they say..pfft!

Hadi was agreed upon as a consensus leader by the very same regime & political parties/forces (whom the youth rose against) and through a GCC brokered deal, to lead a transitional period toward utopia and a Yemen happily ever after.

Hadi was "elected" in a "One Man" race/elections for interim president in 2012.

Hadi led (more so accommodated) a squabbling ill excuse of a consensus government made up of the "political parties/forces" whom were reason behind uprising in 2011 in first place.

Hadi failed both in being a consensus leader and controlling the spectacularly failed consensus government which led to unprecedented corruption, rapidly deteriorating services/security and a heightened public resentment over general status quo.

Houthis took advantage of upheaval, power vacuum, what have you, jumped in, effectively hijacked state and power.

Hadi? Well, not many tears were shed because...because he was, meh!

Hadi under house arrest? Well, we may not like him much, but that's just wrong.

Hadi escapes. People reaction...oh he did, good for him, meh!

Houthis miserably and equally failed in running state.

Hell breaks loose.

Horrifically worse than how 2011 youth warned it would when their uprising was hijacked.

Hallelujah! Time to finally admit "Youth" were right, right?

Hungry? Have a Snickers bar, you're not you when you're hungry.

Here's how we will win the horse race; kill the strong horse and beat the already dead one in hope he can make to finish line.

Hardly of any significance that public isn't betting on either horse nor fact that we, the Borg, err, the heavenly supreme, are demolishing race arena in process.

Horse, our horse, must win. At all cost. That's all there's to it.

Hail y'all, hail damn it. Hadi is your one and only true horse, err, savior, we meant savior sent by the heavens (i.e. Us, yes, the GCC).

Haaaa!

Hadi's 'Books to Read' List in 2015

Hadi's 'Books to Read' List in 2015  

- President for Dummies 101: How to 'BE' a President or at Least Talk & Act Like One.

- How to 'Listen' as the President of the 'People' & Not of an Entourage of 100 Pests!

- How Not to Lose Confidence of the People in a 100 Days.

- How Using International Legitimacy in Lieu of Local Clout Screwed a 100 Presidents. 

- History of Yemen, A Cautionary Tale of Who's Who; The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

- Yemen Government in Past 3 Decades: What Worked & What Disastrously Didn't.

- Yemen 2011 Revolution Misunderstood; Not About Saleh, About Regime/Status Quo.

- Who are the People of Yemen & What do they Really Want Now vs. Future Aspiration?

- Who are the Houthis & What on Earth do they 'Truly & Ultimately' Want?

- Who are alQaeda & How Deep is their Tribal/State Connection? 

- AQAP Knows it Can't Repeat ISIS Model in Yemen Hence Plan to Disrupt Not Attain.

- A State without a Strong Government/Army is AKA Anarchy of the Strongest Bully.

- How Unhappy People Put their Leaders to the Guillotine. It's the Economy, Stupid! 

- Asking for Donor Funds is Easy, Spending Wisely so Not to Ask Again is Hard.

- Yemen on the Brink; Seriously, it's on the Fucking Brink! Do Something Damn it!

- Don't Monkey with Another Monkey's Monkey Unless Absolutely Sure the other Monkey(s) Won't Make a Bigger Monkey out of You.